Don't End Up Like Squidward

           Before moving into a neighborhood, it is best to explore and investigate the area and the people to make sure it is safe, and to be sure not to move next to an insufferable neighbor.  When evaluating the potential neighbors, there are certain kinds of indicators and types of people to look out for.  Some obvious examples would be if a house had twelve dogs, ten cats, a few parrots, and vermin occupying it with it’s owner. That house would be terribly loud and smelly to live next to -- not to mention a higher risk of mice infestation.  Another example of a horrible neighbor would be one who is an old, sweaty, disgusting, angry man who always sits on the porch with a shotgun. Maybe the ultimate example of an excruciatingly annoying neighbor would be Spongebob, although he is adored by fans everywhere, you have to admit that Squidward is miserable and you pity him, at least a little bit.  Squidward should have met with his neighbors before moving in, Patrick lived there before Squidward and if Squidward had seen what an idiot he was moving in next to, Squidward would not have moved in and he would not be living in his current personal hell. What would have helped Squidward is if he had known that there are some different classifications of neighbors who you should be especially wary of when moving in, or if they are moving in.  These synopses below, of these certain breeds of neighbor, are to inform what these breeds are, how to identify them, and how to deal with them.

Christmas enthusiasts

          Christmas enthusiasts are the easiest kind (of the different types of neighbors to watch out for) to identify.  Even though they only show their colors after Thanksgiving -- when they finally do let out their spirit -- they are impossible to miss.  A Christmas enthusiast’s house will be completely covered from top to bottom in red and green lights and other Christmas themed decorations.  These houses are great to live by, because their they are easily accessible for you to look at and enjoy during the holiday season; however, these houses are horrible to live right next to for two main reasons.  The first being that any decorations put up will look incredibly lame next to the extravaganza next door.  And, if you put up a lot of decorations like your neighbors, you will have entered an all out war fought with lit up Santa clauses and snowmen, and you will be left with massive electric bills. You also will have created an immutable enemy that lives just a few feet away from you. The second reason is that -- whether you participate in an all out decoration war or not -- your house will be flooded with flashing colored lights twenty-four/seven for a full month.
            The good thing about Christmas enthusiasts are that they are very easy to deal with.  There is nothing to be done about the lights so it’s best not to suggest to tone their display down -- that only leads to a massive amount of trouble.  But to get on their good side, all that must be done is to show them you have Christmas cheer too; giving them some Christmas cookies or maybe some small gifts around Christmas will keep them happy through the rest of the year.  Complimenting their light display is a good move as well.  By treating them especially well through December, you gain a friendly relationship with your next door neighbor -- which is always a good to have.

Gossips

           In contrast to the Christmas enthusiasts who are easy to spot and full of holiday cheer, the gossips are harder to spot and full of petty lies and drama.  Stay away from these fiends at all cost.  They spread lies about their own neighbors, it seems, in order to start drama.  It is suggested by theorists that this species actually feed off of, and gets energy from the drama that they caused. No one has ever been willing to get close enough to one of them to actually test this theory, though.  Do not let them close to you. These creatures have usually alienated everyone close to them, and they will cling onto you like a leech.  If you are trapped and are forced to communicate with one, watch out, because anything you say can and will be exaggerated or taken out of context to be used against you.  Do not say anything even mildly interesting about other people while trapped by a gossip.  If you do, the gossip will keep you captive until you spill everything you know. Therefore, the best way to escape is to “play dead;” seem boring and void of anything juicy information.  The gossip will get tired of you and move on to find more prey. When first meeting a gossip, it is impossible to tell whether they are a gossip or not -- everybody gossips a little bit, but people are only labeled as gossips if all they seem to do is gossip.  Gossips are rarely found in their homes, they are almost always out walking around or standing by other people’s homes -- scavenging for information or twisting and spreading their gathered information.  The only two ways to tell if someone is a gossip is to ask intel from others who know the person in question, or to talk with them a few different times.  If they always seem self-promoting and are spreading bad things about other people, then you probably have a gossip.  Another helpful tip in identifying gossips is that: they are almost always women over the age of thirty who wear more make-up than is warranted on a regular basis.  There have been reported sightings of male gossips, but  there has never been solid evidence to support these claims.

Hoity-Toities

      Another breed to look out for, but can be tricky to recognize, are the hoity-toities.  The Hoity-toities are a subspecies along with the other subspecies plant lovers to the larger category of those who have extra nice looking lawns.  Many people overlook the difference between the Hoity-toities and the plant lovers which is an egregious error because they are extremely different.  Plant lovers just enjoy gardening and want to make their lawns look nice with flowers.  They are typically very nice and are great to live next to because you will always see their pretty yard and the area around your house will smell nice because of all of the flowers.  Hoity-toities, on the other hand, should be avoided.  Living by a Hoity-toity is constantly a hassle.  They are obsessed with making themselves and their home looking pristine and wealthy; however, they would never do the work themselves.  Hoity-toities pay others to fix their yard for them, so, you do not want to move next to or into a cul-de-sac with one because your street or driveway will be constantly blocked with renovation trucks for pools, patios, and picturesque entries.  Hoity-toities also tend to be extremely judgmental and frequently pester their neighbors to fix their lawns as well.  Do not engage with a hoity-toity.  One conversation with one can ruin your mood for a whole week, and they are so sickeningly fake and sweet that you will feel the need to suck on a lemon when the conversation is over.  And, anything you say to the them will be immediately reported back to the gossip because they have a mutualistic relationship.  Hoity-toities get elation from talking trash about others and the gossips feed off of that ‘oh no you didn’t’ drama.  

Wildcards

         This is the most varied breed of neighbor and also the most often over-looked. These folks are of quiet nature, and can possibly be anti-social.  and are rarely seen out of their homes.  They are like dinosaurs: scientists aren’t exactly sure what they look like, it’s all speculation.  There are three main reasons why people become Wildcards; either they are creepy and shunned from society, they are just shy, or they work night shifts so they never venture out during the day.  In any case, you will have minimal contact with them and it is best to keep it that way.  They are a wildcard, you never know what you are going to get and in order to play it safe it’s best to just avoid them. Wildcards could be anything, from hoarders, to meth dealer, to a cop who works the night shift.  You never know.
To identify a wildcard there are three main signs to look for.  The first sign is if you aren’t even sure anyone actually lives there because you’ve never seen them, or you’ve never seen their face -- only their shadow at night, or you have never talked to them. This is the strongest sign you live next to a Wildcard.  The second sign is if you notice that they have unkept lawns, or they regularly pay a neighbor or a service to take care of their lawn for them.  The last sign, which should be used more as confirmation than the main sign, is that they are the house on the block that leaves out a tiny bucket of candy for Halloween instead of handing it out.

          Every possible type of neighbor has not and will most likely never be investigated very thoroughly.  It is like the rainforest, there are so many species who inhabit it that remain unknown to mankind.  These, the christmas enthusiasts, gossips, hoity-toities, and wildcards, are just a few of the most common neighbor breeds that everyone should be aware of.  Since not every breed can be thoroughly researched, one must stay alert in any neighborhood. It is up to you to investigate your own surroundings, because every area is unique; and every neighbor is different, neither Spongebob nor Patrick would fit into one specific category.  There are pros and cons to every neighbor, and to thrive in your environment you have to figure them out, deal with the cons, and then try and utilize the pros.  Since it is too late for Squidward to move, he shouldn’t just hate his life.  If Squidward explored the pros to living by Spongebob and Patrick, then his life would be much more enjoyable.