Things Mean More Than They Seem

Things Mean More Than They Seem

You left me.  You went somewhere where I could not follow, I know why you did, I know you had to, I know you didn’t want to; but even though my brain knows it, my heart won’t accept it.  I need you here by my side.  I need to feel your arms around me, to feel your hand slip perfectly into mine one last time.  I know you’re “still here” -- you always said you’d be -- but now it’s different. I can’t see you, smell, or feel you the way I could.  I’ll never again see that twinkle in your eye or the twist of your lips when you’re trying to hold back from laughing at me.  I won’t hear your infectious laughter, or brush your soft hair anymore. I’ll never steal any more of your french fries, we’ll never jam out to pop songs in your car, or argue whether cotton candy or bacon is better.   It’s been weeks but I still imagine you’re here.  Where we used to meet up everyday, I still look for you; when I get excited about something, I still can’t wait to tell you; it doesn’t feel like you’re gone until I remember and it hits me all over again like someone throwing a brick at my stomach.  All throughout the day something will randomly remind me of you and I’ll feel the familiar droplets begin to form in my eyes, and I have to look up and keep blinking until they go away, before I let anyone else see my sadness.    

I miss everything about you from your dark soft hair to your crooked pinky finger.  I miss your flat chin and your round cheeks, your hazel eyes and your shoulders.  I miss the crooked smile you’d give me every morning.  I miss stealing glances at you, I miss the ice cream stops, the walks outside, the talking all night.  I miss your warmth, your presence, the way you used to look down at me and chuckle because oh how much taller you were.  I miss you, so much more than I thought I would.  I never thought about the pizzas, the presents, and the secret handshakes when you were here with me or how much I would miss them.  I never thought about the little things: the stolen glances, the quick notes, or the pecks on the cheeks.  I never thought those tiny moments would mean that much to me.  Every note, tradition, food, or moment we shared added up like a thousand grains of rice on a scale.

 I wish I’d had something more meaningful to say when you left, and that your last memory of me would have been this epic moment.  Instead all I could muster was a low choked “I’ll miss you, forever and always.”  Then I saw that last twinkle in your eyes and you were gone.  I keep thinking of everything I ever should have done for you.  I can’t believe I never thanked you for those earrings, I should have hugged you more while I had the chance,  I should have done more for you while you were with me.  I remember that stupid little fight we had about what I said, I regret not just getting over my pride and apologizing.  It never occurred to me that you would be taken from me.  All the missed and overlooked chances keep piling up in my mind, and every feeling of regret is multiplied by ten because now I can never make up for it. 

I’ve realized to never take anything for granted.  So no matter how small the significance, enjoy it while you can.  Hug your friends and family, neither of you will live forever.   Always think about how much better your life is because of the people in it.  I knew a boy, well I loved a boy, and I’m sorry to say that I took him for granted.  Yes, I was happy he was in my life and I did appreciate the things he did for me.  But I never really considered the incredible impact he had on me, and how big a hole he would leave behind if he left.  Relish the time you have before it’s too late.